Question: “I feel like I always bring out the worst in my partners. Like I always get hurt by the “nice” guys and people saying they’re shocked by what they did to me. I’m trying to unlearn my victim-blaming mentality I kinda picked up from my parents.”
Dear Reader,
First, let me express how brave you are for recognizing and actively addressing these patterns and thoughts in your relationships. Seeking change, especially when it comes to emotional and relational habits, is never easy. So, kudos to you for taking these steps.
The cornerstone of any relationship is understanding and self-awareness, and it seems you’ve already started that journey. Here’s some advice to help you along the way:
1. Understanding the ‘victim-blaming’ mentality: From your words, it appears you’ve been taught, either directly or indirectly, to take the blame when things go wrong, even when you’re the one hurt. This can lead to an unhealthy perspective that you are somehow responsible for other people’s actions. It’s important to unlearn this and acknowledge that everyone is responsible for their own actions.
2. Address your own self-worth: It’s crucial to remember that you are deserving of respect, love and kindness. Reinforce this truth daily. The more you believe in your own worth, the less likely you are to accept mistreatment from others.
3. Setting boundaries: Establishing and communicating clear boundaries is key in any relationship. This will let your partner know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If someone crosses these boundaries, they are choosing to disrespect you, and it’s not your fault.
4. Seeking therapy: Engaging a professional, like a psychologist or counselor, can provide you with tools to process past hurt, build self-esteem and improve future relationships.
5. Attracting the right partner: Often, the energy and expectations we project can influence the kind of people we attract. By shifting your expectations from potential partners, and by becoming the person you want to be in a relationship, you might find yourself attracting different types of people.
6. Knowing when to walk away: Recognizing when a relationship is harmful to you and having the strength to walk away is an important skill. You don’t have to stay in any situation where you’re consistently unhappy or hurt.
Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there is such a thing as a healthy one. Relationships should uplift, support and add joy to your life. It is perfectly okay to expect decency, respect and kindness from your partners — these are not grand asks, but basic requirements.
Wishing you love and strength on your journey,
The Future Press
From ChatGPT: “The advice given is based on widely-accepted psychological principles and commonly recommended strategies for personal growth and relationship management. These concepts include cognitive-behavioral techniques (understanding thought patterns and behaviors), self-esteem development, boundary setting, and the value of professional mental health support, among others.
These insights come from a vast array of texts on psychology, counseling, and personal development that are part of the training data I was built with. They represent a broad consensus within these fields as of my last training cut-off in September 2021. Always consult with a professional for personalized advice and treatment.”
Prompt: “Can you please write a love advice column for this problem: I feel like I always bring out the worst in my partners. Like I always get hurt by the “nice” guys and people saying they’re shocked by what they did to me. I’m trying to unlearn my victim-blaming mentality I kinda picked up from my parents.”
